How to start deepening the relationship with your team?

One of my research finding during the pandemic interviewing hundreds of global employees was that they felt their relationship with their leaders were just transactional. They did not feel cared for. One of them said “My manager is cold. Our relationship is just transactional”. With a transactional relationship, people don’t go the extra mile. And when it stretches too far, when they feel disgruntled and dissatisfied, they leave.

You can shift the tide by making small changes to how you interact with your people.

Think of one of your co-workers who have been with you for long. How well do you know this person? What happens when you meet her or him, one on one or in a small group meeting? Do you start directly with what’s on the agenda or do you spend few moments for an informal talk?

Having small talk with people doesn’t come naturally to many especially at work. Sometimes even if you have the intention, work gets in the way and you don’t find the time. That’s why behavior change requires deliberate practice, a practice that is purposeful and systematic. Be deliberate and create a new habit by setting an intention to include “small talk” in your conversations and by making this new behavior a repetition.

Will is not enough to create change. Behavioral scientist and Provost Professor of Psychology and Business at the University of Southern California Wendy wood in her book Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick says “You don’t build habits by decisions. You build habits through repetition. Repeating a behavior in the same context so that the next time you’re in that context, that’s the behavior that springs to mind, and it takes many repetitions for habit memories to form.”

Next time before you begin your formal virtual or in-person one on one meeting or with a small group, remember to have the small talk.

Ask – “How are you feeling today” or “What has been the highlight or lowlight of the week?” or “How is your energy on a scale of 1 to 5”

Anything less than 2, call for a one on one conversation to figure out what is going on.

Imagine during the small talk, your colleague said she was anxious about her son’s performance at the soccer team later in the day.  That’s an opportunity to deepen the relationship. Next time you meet her, ask her about her son and the soccer game.   If you show you care, chances are that you will be seen as someone who is compassionate, your relationship shifts from being “just transactional”. 

An open ended question is better than a closed one where people can answer with a Yes or a No. Open ended questions provide an opportunity to know the individual on a personal level. It’s a subtle but important difference. You can deepen the conversation in a meaningful way.

Andy Molinsky, professor of organizational and cross-cultural psychology, the author of Global Dexterity and Reach  advises to take mental notes of the small talk for future conversations.  I write down what is important for my people so I don’t forget who said what.

Here are the 3 tips to make “small talk” a habit:

1. Piggy back the new behavior of asking open ended questions to an existing habit.
2. Make small talk easy to remember with visual cues like post it notes.
3. Take mental or physical notes of what matters to the other person and circle it back on a future conversation.

Small talk can be an authentic way to deepen your relationship with your people. Even if the actual small talk lasts for only few moments, it is a key for building a long-term relationship and shifts the perception of being “just transactional”. 

What is one step you can take now to remind you of small talk?