“Empathy is simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of you’re not alone.”
Brene Brown, Research Professor, Author, Public Speaker
Recently, my mother-in-law fell, resulting in a spine injury. At her age, I can only imagine how painful it was! But more than her agony, I knew there was something more. During our conversations, she constantly spoke about how the injury impacted her. She felt lonely and frustrated because of her inability to move. Anxiety filled her mind about being unable to go to the market and see her friends. She worried thinking that recovery would take time, making her bed-ridden. Evidently, her fear was more painful than the pain itself.
We took her to a well-known orthopedic physician whom people say a competent and efficient one. The hospital was crowded. I observed that the doctor was able to quickly draw decisions, examining one patient to the next. Finally, our turn came. The physician examined my mother-in-law thoroughly but hardly spoke to her. He said these kinds of injury take time to heal and advised surgery for faster recovery. Undergoing a knife frightened her even more. The doctor did not explain why it was required and how it would help her. Our visit seemed to be more painful than the accident. Knowing the possible need for surgery, we decided to seek a second opinion.
We then visited another equally competent physician. He gave us the same exact thing as the previous physician did. One great thing is that we went home feeling more enlightened and relieved. So what was the difference? Empathy. The latter physician felt and understood what my mother-in-law went through. He assured her that he will do his best to relieve her of pain. My mother-in-law was convinced that the world will be different once the surgery is done. Furthermore, the doctor also showed us success cases–patients of her age who had undergone similar treatments. He even offered us to visit other patients in the hospital to get their feedback. With all his resources, the doctor was compassionate enough to support my mother-in-law the best way he could.
The second physician exhibited empathic concern which made all the difference. Establishing human connection and compassion costs only a few seconds but can hugely impact and change lives.
Internationally known psychologist Daniel Goleman speaks of three types of empathy–cognitive, emotional, empathic concern. In his New York Times bestseller books Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence, he emphasized that empathic concern is not only about understanding somebody. It is taking action through compassion. You can show it by objectively evaluating what we can do for that person. Ann Flanagan Petry wrote an article that beautifully demonstrates another case of empathic concern in action. It emphasized that leaders high in the empathy competency will be more successful at motivating and leading their employees and helping their employees cope with workplace stress.
I remembered Goleman’s words during our Emotional Intelligence (EI) Residency program that when technical skills are equal, EI is the differentiating factor. 85% of the star performers have EI as a distinguishing competency. I thought this is true only in the business world, but here I am experiencing the same in health care. The physician demonstrated an admirably high level of EI.
My mother-in-law went home hospital feeling hopeful and happy. The magic pill that dissolved her fear and instilled hope was an empathic concern. Empathy is the competitive advantage the second doctor had. Through his empathic lens, he created a unique experience of hope and positivity. We became lifelong fans of the specialist and even recommended him to our friends.
As Dacher Keltner puts it, simply realizing that compassion is important is not enough; we must also make room for our compassionate impulses to flourish.
Until next… Keep smiling!
Archana
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