I used to feel guilty when I had to drop my 2 and 4 year old with the baby sitter and head off to work. At work, I wondered if my babies were safe. And at home I used to think of work, of missing the deadlines, worried of not being considered for promotion. I did not want to miss out on the social life either because of the fear of being left behind. I was fire-fighting all the time to balance it all.
To top it, I had few people in my circle of influence who would make me feel guilty for not being there for my little ones. I would also get advice on why building a career is critical. I would spend sleepless nights worrying about the future, about my children, about the finances, about my career. More than the physical fatigue, it was the mental and emotional drain that was killing.
At times I felt like a hero because I was the heroic jack-of-all-trades, the master fire killer who would work as long and as hard as necessary. Next moment I felt paralyzed with the enormous demands of the day. It seemed like a constant juggle, a never ending war of work and life. The tug of war left me anxious, guilty, stressed out most of the time with the feeling of inability to balance it all.
In hindsight I can say that I was stressed because I had no clarity about my needs. I wanted to have it all and all the time. I did not pay attention to what was truly important for me!
Work and Life cannot be separated in today’s hi-tech, hyper connected world. The fact of the matter is our lives cross over. In fact it is not only work and life but other domains like health, relationship, spiritual, contribution, vocational life that needs attention too in order to live a meaningful life. And all these can never be in balance all the time. It oscillates from time to time.
I like to think of life domains as instruments played by diverse, trained artists in a symphony orchestra. They are different systems of the orchestra and we as the symphony maestro. When the maestro is intentional about what instrument to play and when, he creates beautiful music that not only fulfills his creative intent but also an unforgettable musical experience. He knows that all these instruments can never be played in the same pitch. Some have to be high and others low. It is this intentional imbalance which he modulates creates a symphony.
Likewise in life, when we are deliberate about our choices and know what instrument to pay attention to and modulate the imbalance we can create harmony. The quest for balance in the sense of equality of life domains is a far reach. Balance is about modulating the different domains, understanding the need of the day and being intentional about the choices. It’s about accepting the ‘out of balance’ and modulating the imbalance to be in balance. This is the balance paradox of life and work. The intentional imbalance to be in harmony. For me, the realization that there is no balance, appreciating and accepting the beauty in imbalance was liberating.
There are some strategies I use to create a symphony with my work, personal life, health, contribution and other domains. I have put the below systems in place so I know what to do when there are conflicting priorities. Of course its influenced by the day to day events but these are my guiding principles. This way decisions are easy and I don’t feel guilty. Hope they help you.
If you look at life stages as seasons, you may recognize that at different seasons you have different seasonal fruits that need attention. A farmer is aware what seasons are conducive for each fruit and he prepares the soil accordingly.
Similarly be aware of the season of your life and what domains need your attention. By season of life, I don’t mean your age or a stage of your career. Season is what you are experiencing right now and what you want to experience. Distance yourself from what is going on and Look at your life from a 30,000 feet view from the top. Look at the bigger picture from a bird’s eye perspective and notice what is functioning, what is not.
Just being aware of your needs at this season of your life will help you in your decisions.
It is not a one size fits all formula because the thing that works for me may not work for you. Your priorities are different and your situation is unique.
Attune to your inner core to find out what is important right now and what can wait. Be intentional about your choices of what balls you choose to juggle with and what balls you are willing to drop. Not all balls are equal. You don’t always have to try to force everything to work at once because doing that will only lead to more chaos and disappointment. You may be spreading yourself too thin and not really present with anything if you try to pay equal attention to everything all the time.
Give yourself permission to let go. Let go of your desire to have it all. This means saying NO to something that’s not worthy of your attention. Here are some tips on when to say no. This does not mean totally neglecting one domain but if you have to make a choice amongst competing priorities you know which direction you have to take.
Remember you are the conductor, you are the symphony maestro, you are running your orchestra, no one else. You decide what artists to play and when in order to create the beautiful symphony. You and only you get to choose what is important for you. It’s up to you have to make the conscious choices because no one else will know the answer except you.
You have the agency, do the work, make the symphony.
As Marshall Goldsmith in his article ‘Its time to Step up’ says you are the person who can, should and will do something about it. Research shows that people who focus on what they can change are more successful, less stressed and happier than those who feel like victims.
Finally remember – Life is a journey, enjoy the process. Don’t beat yourself up if you fall off the wagon. Nothing is perfect. Make constant adjustments, you can always create a better symphony tomorrow. Live the present. Don’t let perfection get in the way of what’s possible. Instead ask yourself what support you need to make this possible!
Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Seahawks says, “Listen to your heart, trust your intuition, be fascinated by the adventure of finding the real you”
I agree with Adam Grant’s thought and like the illustration on linkedin which is the inspiration for this subject which I believe is the Work – Life Balance Paradox.
Now Go.. Make and Enjoy the symphony!
Until Next,
Keep Smiling..
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